A guy's wife was nagging him hard for a four-wheeler but still he bought her a beautiful extravagant diamond ring for Christmas. The husband's friend was amazed at his decision and asked him in secret, "Why couldn't you buy a car instead of the diamond ring?" The husband smiled and answered, "Fake cars are not easy to find."
Hilarious Christmas Signs
* Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
* Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
* Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
* At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
* A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000."
* A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
* In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... A calendar to remind him when payments are due."
Santa Stats
* U.S. has 78 people registered under S. Claus and one under Kriss Kringle
* December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
* Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.
* Number of reindeers required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 plus Rudolph.
* Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.
* To deliver all his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second (at 3,000 times the speed of sound).
* At that speed, Santa and his reindeers would instantaneously burst into flames in Earth's atmosphere just like meteors.
At Grandma's
Two little boys went to their grandparents' place for Christmas. At bedtime, the youngest one began to pray at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
The older brother exclaimed, "Why are you shouting? Do you thing God is deaf." The little one promptly replied, "Nope! But Grandma certainly is!"
An Axe to Grind
A boy was constantly nagging his father to get him a Christmas tree. Each year, the father told him, "I don't want to pay for it." At last, son finally managed to exasperate his father and he went out with his axe. Thirty minutes later, he returned with a great big Christmas tree. The son was amazed that his father returned so soon and asked, "How did you cut it down so fast?" The father replied, "Oh! It's from the tree lot." "So why did you took the axe with you?", the son asked. "Because I didn't want to pay for it.", the father replied.
Santa Claus is a woman!
Santa Claus is a woman because:
* The vast majorities of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.
* For a he-Santa, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh.
* Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
* For a Santa man, there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repaint bricks in the flue.
* He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the 'Ho Ho Ho' thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
Santa is certainly a Man!
Santa Claus is undoubtedly a man because:
* Santa doesn't deliver his presents on The Friday after Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours. Christmas Eve deliveries prove Mr. Claus to be a man.
* Santa's reindeer is so drunk that his nose glows as his navigator. A woman would never let out those cute deer to work on Christmas Eve that too in cold and perhaps would dress them in sweaters and booties.
* Only a male Santa can ignore 'fashion' and wear the same suit for 500 years.
* Santa has never been known to answer a letter.
* Women aren't interested in stockings unless someone better looking than them is wearing them.
* As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble with babes.
* Only men have the ability to stay up for 24 hours straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going up and down soot-infested chimneys.
* A woman would never even think of going down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet.
* Commitment requires that Christmas be on the same day each year. A female Santa would delay Christmas until she can touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving each house.
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