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Monday, December 10, 2007

Santa Naughty Letters.

Santa's letters reveal naughty and nice of family business

I was in a local department store one evening last week when what to my wondering eyes should appear but Santa Claus. The Jolly Old Elf was sitting on a big red Santa throne, hearing the holiday wishes of little kids who came to perch on his knee. My wondering eyes also spotted Santa's mailbag leaning against the back of his chair with the top open. I shouldn't have, of course, but I did. I sneaked a peek at a few letters from family businesses to Santa and at Santa's replies. Here are some samples.
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Dear Santa: I know this is the time of year when you're finding out who's been naughty and who's been nice, so I want to jump in and give you the totally true facts before you hear a bunch of baloney from my brother. In the first place, I did not - repeat, did not - promise him that I would finish the tax returns by April 15. I told him we were supposed to file the returns by April 15, but I never said I would actually do it by then. That's when all the trade conventions are on. Hey, what would you do, fuss with a Form 1120 or roll around in the surf at Waikiki? Then it was one thing after another - summer vacation time, the office Halloween party, Thanksgiving. Before you know it, penalties and interest. OK, old guy, now you get the picture. Happy holidays and fly safe. Oh, and don't forget that my new pool table is due here not one day later than December 25. With firm expectations, Marty

Dear Marty: Actually, I heard from your brother last May. He sent a short note describing the situation and closed with a P.S. that said "Just watch." I see you when you're sleeping, Marty, and I know when you're awake. I also know when you're goofing off instead of taking care of business. I might be a couple of years late with that pool table, but look for an eight ball in your stocking - if you hang it up on time. Santa
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Dear Santa: According to my notes from last December, I specifically asked you for a ski cap, a Lamborghini and a 10-foot mahogany executive desk with a matching high back chair inscribed with our family real estate company's logo and the legend, "Approach meekly, supplicant." All I got was the cap, and it was a little small. Is the other stuff on back order or something?

Tell you what. If you get the desk and the Lamborghini here this year, I'll shelve my plans to put condos on that little plot of yours way up north, and we'll call it even. Deal? Mike

Dear Mike: Sorry, sport, no deal. You got the cap because those other things weren't exactly in line with the spirit of the season. (Too bad about the fit; maybe your head is bigger than I thought.) And I have to tell you, Mike, it's really bad form to arm-twist Santa. I looked up the zoning on my little plot up north and also on that 50 acres of wetlands you've staked out for a shopping center. You've been a bad boy this year, Mikey, real bad. Santa
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Dear Santa: Please help settle a family dispute. When I was a kid, I left homemade cookies on the hearth for your Christmas Eve snack and a small bundle of hay for your reindeer. I've urged my own kids to do the same as a gesture of gratitude. But they're miffed by the menu. They want to set out a plate of imported tofu with wild honey for you and organic sprouts for the deer. I know you deserve the best, but I'm a single-mom shop owner, and that's a bit rich for my budget. Whatever happened to the thought-that-counts tradition? Come down on my side, will you? Sincerely, Lucy

Dear Lucy: I'm a big supporter of traditions. After all, I've been one for several hundred years. Maybe your kids don't know what a basically simple guy I am, or maybe they've been watching too much TV.

Try this. Leave the cookies and milk for me and the sprouts for Dasher and the gang. It'll be a good example of family compromise, and the reindeer will have a Christmas dinner to remember. And I seem to recall that simple gifts given with love are what this holiday season is all about. Santa

Happy holidays to family businesses everywhere!
Posted by Bonnie at 8:59 AM
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