Christmas Downsizing . 12 Days Of Christmas Law Suit

Christmas Downsizing

Also See 12 Days Of Christmas Funny Letter

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors.

Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

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How Santa Climbs Down The Chimney

How Santa Climbs Down The Chimney

By the time the holiday season is in full swing, curious, knowledge-seeking children have lots of questions about Santa Claus and Christmas. How does Santa make it around the world in one night? Do reindeer really fly? Why do people keep giving us fruitcakes?

One of the most difficult questions that parents are faced with has nothing to do with reindeer flight or the physics of Santa Claus's flight path -- it's a practical matter concerning a chimney. After all, according to Christmas folklore, when Santa drops by your house to deliver his presents, he doesn't knock on your door or break any windows in the process. Instead, after landing on your roof, Santa climbs down the chimney, stuffs your stockings, places gifts under the tree and takes a quick milk-and-cookies break before climbing back up the chimney.

But how does Santa get down your chimney in the first place? Can he even fit into a chimney? (He's both jolly and big, thanks to all those Christmas treats.) Does he drop straight down, or does he use special climbing equipment? And what happens if you don't even have a chimney? Does that mean people without chimneys don't get any presents at all?

Although no one may ever know for sure just how Santa operates, we at HowStuffWorks have what we think is the most logical explanation for how the big guy gets down small spaces: science, in the form of miniaturization technology. What does this mean? It's actually as simple as it sounds -- Santa could use this technology to actually shrink the size of his body.

­Michael C. LaBarbera, a professor of organismal biology and anatomy and geophysical sciences at the University of Chicago, believes that reducing the distance between molecular bonds could do the trick. There's a lot of empty space between the nucleus of an atom and the electrons surrounding it, so moving everything closer together could potentially decrease the size of an object. The mass of the object stays the same, of course, so that may explain any loud crashes that might come from the fireplace if Santa slipped [source: University of Chicago].

But what about Santa's suit? If he compresses his body to a small enough size to fit through the chimney, wouldn't the suit just crumple into a mess since it isn't a part of him? Santa's suit would need to protect him from any radiation produced by Santa's Antimatter Propulsion Unit in his sleigh, as well as be threaded with carbon nanotubes. This would allow the suit to compress as Santa himself compresses. His belt would also be equipped with a grappling hook, making his descent into your living room a bit smoother.

But what about any burning embers from yule logs in the fireplace? Santa's rubber-soled boots would be flame-retardant and come with removable galoshes so that he wouldn't track any ashes around the house.

If there's no chimney, of course, he could just open your front door and walk right in -- sometimes you have to go low-tech. But a chimney entrance would be preferable since it's the most direct path from the roof to the Christmas tree. Plus, there's the show-off factor -- what else would you expect from a guy who can travel around the world in one night?
Source. How Stuff Works

Also See: How Santa Flies Around The World In One Night

How does Santa make it around the world in one night

How does Santa make it around the world in one night

For all of you Santa Claus doubters out there wondering how the big guy can make it across the world in one night, take a good look at "Star Trek." Although the U.S.S. Enterprise is a fictional spaceship from a fictional television show, the idea of traveling at superluminal speeds -- faster than the speed of light -- throughout space is a very real concept.

When Einstein wrote down his famous E = MC2 formula, he was saying that mass is energy in a very concentrated form. If you could take matter and convert it into energy, it would create an incredible amount of energy. Think about it -- the C2 in that equation is the speed of light (300,000 miles per second) times the speed of light. Even if you had a tiny bit of mass -- the letter "M" in the equation -- the letter "E" on the other side of that equation can be really big. So how do you make that "E" big enough to travel around the world in one night -- on a sleigh with nine or more reindeer, for that matter?

Although no one may ever know for sure just how Santa operates, we at HowStuffWorks have what we think are the most logical explanations for how the big guy accomplishes all that he does: science and technology. And we think that Santa could have mastered the power of antimatter, the same concept NASA is hoping to use to build its own version of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

Santa and his elves would have to outfit his sleigh with a Stardust Antimatter Propulsion Engine. This device would allow Santa to deliver toys around the world in one night and be back to the North Pole in time for a Christmas Day feast.

How Santa's Sleigh Works

How Santa's Sleigh Works

On Christmas Eve, millions of children around the world will settle uneasily into bed, hardly able to contain themselves. What vision could possibly dance through their heads, turning them into twitchy, restless insomniacs for just one night? Is it the Sugar Plum Fairy from Tchaikovsky's ballet "The Nutcracker" or the sugarplums from Clement Clarke Moore's poem "The Night Before Christmas"? Can sugarplums really do such a thing?

Chances are the children are thinking about toys, Santa Claus and his team of reindeer -- if the children have been nice this year, jolly old St. Nick should be landing his sleigh on their roofs sometime late in the night.

Everyone has their own traditional image of Santa's sleigh, but could there be more to it than just a sled and a team of reindeer? Although no one may ever know for sure just how Santa operates, we at HowStuffWorks have what we think are the most logical explanations for how the big guy accomplishes all that he does: science and technology.

Sure, demystifying Santa's modus operandi puts us at risk of getting nothing but coal in our stockings this year, but it's all for the noble pursuit of yuletide knowledge. After all, have you ever wondered how Santa's sleigh flies? What about the reindeer? And how does Santa fit all of those presents into one bag? In the next section, we'll look at the possible technology behind Santa's sleigh.

Rustic on the outside and state-of-the-art on the inside, Santa's sleigh would have to be a marvel in engineering. These are the main parts of the sleigh that would be needed to get Santa across the world in one night.

The Sleigh's Interior
The front of the sleigh's dashboard would be dominated by Santa's own GPS navigator -- the elves would map out millions of destinations before Christmas Eve, just to make sure Santa doesn't miss anyone. The device would also have a built-in Naughty-or-Nice sensor that keeps Santa updated on children's activities. This is important, as even the most minor of naughty deeds committed within the last few hours of Dec. 24 can determine whether or not a child receives a shiny lump of coal.

A speedometer on the far left of the dashboard would allow Santa to monitor his flying speeds. On the far right would be a radio communicator -- Mrs. Claus sends broadcasts, and the elves update Santa with weather reports and toy inventory.

For in-flight entertainment, we'd like to the think that the elves would have installed an iPod dock -- perhaps even a red-and-green iPod, which would come with enough memory to play Christmas songs for the entire year through. There would also be a hot cocoa dispenser in the middle of the console, and fuel for the reindeer (in the form of carrots) in a compartment located on the left side of the sleigh.

Transdimensional Present Compartment (The Bag)
Ever wonder how Santa fits all of those presents into one bag? Think of a transdimensional present compartment in the form of a traditional gift sack, which would act as a portal between the sleigh and the North Pole. However, we'd also like to think that Santa may have harnessed the power of nanotechnology and found a way to miniaturize millions of presents into one large bag. But this information remains unconfirmed.

The Stardust Antimatter Propulsion Unit
What is antimatter? Is it some kind of magical substance Santa uses to power his sleigh?

Antimatter is the opposite of regular matter -- the mirror image of normal particles that make up everything we can see or touch. The big draw to antimatter is the amount of energy it helps create. When antimatter and matter come into contact, they annihilate each other -- breaking apart into tons of smaller particles -- and 100 percent of their masses convert into energy.

Although antimatter propulsion rockets are mainly used in science-fiction shows to allow spaceships to travel at warp speed, the possibility of designing one is very real -- NASA is currently developing one that would get us to Mars within a matter of weeks. [source: NASA]

Santa's would have to be way ahead of the game, however, and we'd like to imagine that he has his own custom Stardust Antimatter Rocket. It would be small enough to install in the back of his sleigh and fast enough to deliver every present to all good children across the globe. Of course, if the rocket ever malfunctions, the reindeer would be there to back Santa up.

Source: How Stuff Work

Turn Yourself Into Santa Claus with SantaSnaps

Turn Yourself Into Santa Claus with SantaSnaps

SantaSnaps is pretty much like Photobooth, except it doesn’t have near as many features as Photobooth, and it has a holiday twist.

You can take a photo of yourself, someone you love, or someone you hate for that matter, and deck their halls with enough Christmas cheer to make you feel wonderful.

SantaSnaps is a Cocoa Duel project by John Casasanta (Which I believe means “Santa House” in Spanish) and is a fun family time waster.

Just think - when Uncle Carl has one glass of Egg Nog too many, and passes out in your Dad’s recliner, you can take a couple of snapshots, then turn him into an Unconscious Alcoholic Elf.

Holiday Merriment at it’s best! Click here to turn yourself into Santa Claus

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